Barnabas & Grace Achoki
I am a married woman with two kids. Recently, I discovered that I’m two months pregnant and I am sure the baby is not my husband’s. In the recent past, we have had problems with my husband and this pushed me to have a relationship with a male colleague in the office.
We only had sex once and I agree I was a bit careless. I want to abort this baby because if my husband comes to find out, my marriage will be over. Also, I can’t bear the shame of carrying my colleague’s baby. I still love my husband. Please help me before he discovers.
Two wrongs don’t make a right and never will. What if you develop complications while trying to secure an abortion? Again, your husband may come to find out and that would be a double tragedy for you. The baby you are carrying is an innocent party, why should it die because of your mistake?
Whatever has happened has happened and it is shameful. You obviously are feeling guilty about it and no matter what you try to do, you cannot run away from yourself. As you struggle with how to survive this ordeal, you will live with a lot of fear.
What if he finds out? This opens the door for control trying to protect and cover-up your shame. This shame, fear and control become a stronghold in your life making it difficult to relate openly and honestly with yourself, your husband or even children.
This is what guilt does to us. We can no longer live with our head held high and will constantly be playing a hide and seek game in our marriage. You will never enjoy emotional and even sexual intimacy with your husband because at the back of your mind, you will always know the truth.
Remember too that you have yourself to live with, you cannot cheat yourself. And so it is better for you to volunteer the information to him than for him to hear it from someone else or come to discover it himself. The only way of getting free from the stronghold of guilt, shame and fear is to tell the truth, because the truth always sets us free.
Confessing to your husband what happened is the truth that will set you free. Find an appropriate time and place when he is relaxed and in his best mood and share with him. If you find it difficult to do so, find someone who is close to him. It could be his best friend or someone he really respect.
Let them act as an arbitrator in the ensuing conflict and perhaps even be there as you share this shocking news with him. Of course, there will be some serious repercussions to this just as there will be repercussions for you keeping it to yourself and even aborting.
So, whichever way you chose, it is not going to be easy but the better route to take is confessing the truth to your husband. The benefit of confessing your sin is that your hubby may forgive you and that could just be the turning point in your marriage.
If your husband is willing to forgive you, realise that it is not going to be an easy journey. You will have to deal with bouts of anger and hurt from him as he comes to terms with your betrayal. We suggest you seek professional help together to see how you can navigate through this rough patch.
You may ask, “What if he doesn’t forgive me, and leaves me because of this?” Well, you will still be better off as you will experience so much freedom that you would otherwise not have experienced if you hid the matter from him. So prepare for the worst even as you hope for the best. Barnabas & Grace Achoki are marriage and relationship coaches.