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My wife has denied me my conjugal rights

Hi Achokis. I have been married for four years, but my wife denies me my conjugal rights. Could she be cheating on me?

There could be several reasons why a wife may not want to engage in sex with her husband. What makes you suspect that she is cheating on you? Have you observed certain trends that make you feel that is the case? Unless you have sufficient evidence other than her denying you sex, please don’t accuse her as she is innocent unless proven guilty.

But it is also important to look at what is it that you are doing or not doing that could have led to this situation. When did this start? She could also be suspecting that you are cheating on her. The lack of sex in a marriage is usually a symptom of a deeper problem. When you go to a doctor, he/she first checks your vitals — that is your heart beat and blood pressure.

In marriage counselling, one of the vitals that we normally check for is a couples’ sex life. This is not to say that simply because a couple is having regular sex everything is okay. There are women who will fake it, but deep inside, they are only engaging in it out of obligation because they have been told it’s their duty to give their husbands sex, and if they don’t, he will go and “eat” outside.

The fact that she is denying you sex is an indicator that she’s not happy about something. She must have complained until she got tired. She could be struggling with forgiveness towards you.

You, therefore, need to talk to her first. In doing so, please be calm and polite, creating a safe environment for her to be open with you. Be ready for whatever answers she gives you and commit to change whatever it is that is affecting your relationship. Your approach is important.

Often, women will go quiet and refuse to open up because of how they have been treated in the past. If she has tried to bring up the issue with you and you shot her down, then it’s going to be hard for her to open up. Should that be the case, reach out to one of her close friends and try finding out what she’s not happy about.

When a woman is affected emotionally, it is hard for her to give herself physically. If there is nothing wrong in the marriage and she’s denying you your conjugal rights, then there could be another problem.

Maybe she is genuinely tired and needs your support at home or she’s going through something. Again this can only be established if she’s willing to sit and talk with you about it. So, before jumping into any conclusion, make sure your facts are right.

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