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My wife always sees the glass half-empty

Hi Achokis.

I’ve been married for the last three years. My wife complains that I don’t love her anymore and is always picking on the things I’ve not done for her. I work so hard for her to be comfortable in life and doesn’t have to worry about anything. But she still seems not to be happy in the marriage.

I’ve now started avoiding her by going home late as I think nothing I do would satisfy her. How do you deal with a woman who cannot see how much you are doing for her, but just keeps complaining about the things you are not doing?

Our take

It is clear that what matters most to you is that wife is comfortable. So, you have provided for her all these comforts and as such she should be happy and shouldn’t complain at all.

However, more often than not, men get caught up with this provision mind-set, and in so doing they focus more on what they think their wives need most and do not care to find out what it is that matters most to their wives. It is good that you are providing for her and that is important.

But more than financial security, she may be yearning for emotional security. A wife needs to know that she’s loved. She desires more of your presence than your presents. It could be that you grew up being given gifts to compensate for your parents absence and so now that you are an adult, you are trying to compensate for your absence by giving her things.

Change

Secondly, you seem to have embraced and owned the belief that nothing you do will satisfy her. Someone has said that he who believes he can and he who believes he can’t are both right. You need to change your belief system because if you don’t, you will not change your behaviour and thus your marriage. What we tell ourselves, our self-talk, greatly influences our behaviour.

So, to change what you do, you need to listen to your self-talk. Then challenge it and change it in order to change your behaviour.

Ask her opinion

So, why not tell yourself that yes, there is something that you can do that will make her really happy. Why not go ahead and ask her what it is that if you do will make her happy.

Then go out of your way and actually do it and see what happens. Instead of focusing on the limitations, why not look at the possibilities.

It’s only a mad man who does the same thing over and over again and expects a different result. As a couple, why not seek to find out, and do that which is meaningful to each other and see how that will transform your relationship!

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