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Torn between my runaway wife and new love

Hi Achokis, I was married for almost seven years and had two children. But the marriage got rocky four years ago to the extent that my wife left and went back to her parents. I struggled with my two children and at one point I had to bring in my mother to assist me. During this time, I met another woman and we began dating.  The woman feels it’s time we settled down. But I feel if I marry again, I would be betraying my boys who I love very much. Their mother has also of late been showing some signs of wanting us to reconcile. What should I do? I’m confused, please help?

Our take

It is unlikely that a woman would just rise up one morning, pack and leave behind her children. Going deeper and get what made her leave is important because it will help you not repeat the same mistake going forward.

The fact that she left you with two small children whom you struggled with to the point of bringing your mother on board must have really hurt you. We don’t know if you have had time to deal with this hurt because if you don’t, it will affect you going forward.

Bring to a closure

Since she’s showing signs of wanting to reconcile, why not give her a chance before writing her off. Your main aim should be to bring clarity and if need be, proper closure to that relationship. This might help you in two ways: One in realising your mistakes and two, in helping you understand why she had to do what she did.

When you realise your wrong and understand why she did what she did, it may be easier for you to ask for forgiveness and give the same to her. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that you can get back together. It only helps to bring closure and open a new chapter if both of you feel that is the way to go.

Is it a rebound?

Getting back together would be the ideal thing. But should things not work out, then there’s nothing much you can do, but to move on with the new relationship hoping that it is not a rebound.  The loneliness, bitterness and wanting someone to help you with the children could have led you into this other relationship.

You need to slow down and establish if you truly love this person and whether you are ready to settle down with her. If that is the case, then it is important to first clear with your former wife, and then let your children know before moving on.

You will not be betraying them if you let them know the reasons you and their mother couldn’t get back together even after trying. You must not also try to force your new relationship into them. Let it grow naturally. It will be advisable to go through counselling for both you and the children.

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