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My wife’s jibes disgust me

Hi Achokis,

I have been married for 12 years. At one point, my wife was unfaithful, but later on she changed and I forgave her though she never apologised. Recently, she hurt me when she sold some cereals without informing me. I asked her about it, but she didn’t apologise. Instead, she was angry. I feel hurt, disrespected and unloved because she never uses any kind word to address me. Please help.

Thanks for seeking help. First, you say after she cheated on you, she changed and you forgave her though she never apologised. Since she did not apologise, it is possible you are still hurting from her unfaithfulness. A spouse’s unfaithfulness is not a small matter, especially if it is the wife.

Deeper issues

There’s a deeper issue between the two of you. This may be giving birth to other issues and because of that, you now see everything else through the filter of your hurt. You may need to look inward and ask yourself what it is that you might have done or not done for her to cheat on you and disrespect you.

It is unlikely for a spouse, and a woman for that matter to just begin acting up in this way. Selling cereals without consulting you, however bad that is, could probably be because she needed money and feels that you are not taking care of her well.

Probably, she was the one who did the farming and felt that being her effort, there was no need of informing you. This is not to say that there could also be some outside influence, maybe from her friends or her relatives. So, go back and figure out when the rain started beating you.

Once you have done your introspection, approach her in a calm and loving way. Don’t accuse or blame her, as that will not help the situation.

Research has found out that 96 per cent of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the interaction. So, be careful about your approach. Don’t even justify yourself. Start by expressing how you feel about how she is behaving.

Third party

Come with an open mind acknowledging that you yourself might be wrong. It is possible that you are still resentful, so just come out clean and express that to her. If you realise there could be things that you said or did, which might have hurt her, begin by taking responsibility for that.

If even after that she rebuffs you, then the intervention of a third party— someone who is neutral and someone whom she respects. That person might help both of you see things objectively and from an outside perspective.

They might also help calm things down and provide a safe environment for both of you to share what you feel deep inside. That will help you realise what you have done and why your wife is behaving the way she is.

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