There seems to be one important, but potentially contentious unit not taught in campus. Since it does not exist, I will deem myself the professor and go ahead and invent it. As a way to portray my generosity, I will even go ahead and share some tenets of information.The unit is called Surviving Campus 101 and as a self-professed professor, I prescribe it to first years in their first semester! Here is what everyone needs to know;
• Your skin is not bullet proof. Comrades mantras such as ‘Comrades Power’ may make you feel invisible, but remember that you’re not made of steel. As you go ahead throwing stones at armed police officers, remember that even Kinjikitile Ngwale’s witchcraft against bullets failed him and his followers when guns began firing. Happy are those who stay away from violent protests.
• Remember what your mother said to you about strangers? No? Let me remind you. She warned you against accepting gifts or lifts from strangers. However, despite home training, comrades never stop courting trouble. Girls go to clubs with nothing but their skimpy dresses and money to buy only one drink. They bank on men they meet in clubs to nourish their love for expensive alcohol and populate their table with classy drinks, so that Instagram pictures reek of nothing but ‘class and worth’.
You should see them on Fridays, sitting on a strategic table, sipping one cheap beer for hours until a Subaru boy and his troupe of hyenas troop to the table and voila, standards go higher than Willy Paul’s attitude. Before you know it, you are in the school dispensary pleading with the nurse not to disclose to anyone that you have a big collection of venereal diseases. My sister, revert to your home training. If you can’t afford it, chill in your hostel and study!
• In campo, you have two sponsors. Your parents and the government. Any other sponsor who is neither HELB nor your guardian is an agent of the devil and soon, the cash and niceties will turn into tears and lamentations. Stop acting co-wife, hitting town and living life with someone’s husband. You know what the dictionary calls a person who exchanges favours of flesh for cash? A harlot! Dear, you came for a degree not to sleep with a retiree!
• Social media is not the marking scheme to get you to heaven. You are not guaranteed eternal life for living a ‘good life’ on social media. Campo means you’re still on the journey, you’re not there yet. So, you really don’t have to rob, lie, con, bet or sleep with your grandfather’s age mates, so that you take flashy pictures in clubs and resorts for 500 Instagram likes. Guess what? Instagram likes are not the currency that we’ll exchange for eternal life. Don’t die to live a lie!