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When our baby came, our sex left

Hello Achokis.

I’m happily married to the love of my life. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Recently, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who is nine months now. A few months before delivery, my wife kept off from having sex or being supportive in my work. This has continued even after she gave birth. Am I the only man being denied sex? Do many men go through this? I know marriage is not all about sex, but a brother has to get some once in a while. I have gotten advances outside our marriage, but I have stuck by my wife. This thing is driving me crazy. Please advice.

Our Take 

You may not be the only man who is being denied sex — there are others who go through this. Sex is a big deal in marriage for both the man and the woman. It is what brings that connection between them. If neglected, it leaves one open to outside temptation. Congratulations for sticking by your wife.

Sex cannot be taken out of the context of the marital relationship. The fact that you feel she’s not supportive could confirm that there are other issues and she could be using sex as a weapon until things are sorted out. What does she complain a lot about? Before you accuse her of anything, you need to reach out to her in a loving and tender way to find out what’s wrong.

Whatever it is, it could just be that she’s going through something in her life. Many women suffer post-natal trauma and if not checked could lead to depression. Not to mention that the type of contraceptives a woman use could also affect her sex drive. Or psychologically, she might be having a fear of another conception. She may also be overwhelmed by work both in the office and at home, with a young baby and could be genuinely tired to have sex. Thus, she might also need your support both emotionally and physically.

Get behind the matter

Unfortunately and unconsciously, some women allow life to revolve so much around their babies, thus neglecting their spouses. No matter what it is, you may need to have a candid conversation over this matter. In a gentle, yet firm way, make her realise how frustrated you are because of what is happening. If she opens up, listen carefully to not just what she says, but the feelings behind what is being said. Don’t belittle or ignore her points, but rather validate them. If this doesn’t work, seek for mediation from someone both of you admire and greatly respect or even suggest seeing a therapist together. This might just help you get to the root of this issue.

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