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How can my marriage move past my cheating? habits this year?

Hi Achokis. I have been married for 10 years now. Last year was a tough year for my marriage. My wife discovered that I’d been flirting with someone else and though she forgave me, it wasn’t easy.

We talked a lot over the Christmas break and agreed to turn over a new leaf this year. How can we work on our relationship so as to enjoy our marriage and get over the past issues? Please help!

Our take

It is good that you were able to talk with your wife over the Christmas holidays and she was willing and ready to forgive you and to turn over a new leaf this year.

A new year presents all of us with a fresh start. It affords us the opportunity to look back over the last year and deal with whatever went wrong even as we carry forward what went well.

As you embark on correcting what went wrong last year, it will be important to first start by trying to understand why it is that you found yourselves in that space. What made you veer off?

Was it some unmet needs? Mostly, by the time someone is coming to that space, things may not be working well in the marriage. You may need to go back and diagnose what it is that wasn’t working well in the marriage.

Please do this without attacking or blaming each other for whatever happened. This is just to help you see where your marriage was and what needed to have been done.

Be honest

After realising what went wrong, it would be good to see how you can correct that. What, for example will you as a man need to do to improve your relationship? What would you want your wife to do more or less? This will call for both of you to improve on your communication.

It requires that you both be willing to be open and honest with each other without holding back anything. There should be nothing to hide, especially now that your worst has come out.

Be brutally honest with her as this will help in rebuilding the trust that was broken. From experience, working with couples, such situations provide partners with an awesome opportunity to begin to have conversations that they would otherwise not have had.

Hold each other accountable

Finally, ask yourselves what you need to do to keep working on your marriage? It is when we stop working on our marriage that we so often find ourselves drifting apart and falling into temptation.

So evaluate how your relationship has been in the past, agree and decide on what needs to be worked on and then concentrate on those relational goals.

Identify potential obstacles that might hinder you realising your goals and brainstorm ways in which you can overcome them. Hold each other accountable to what you have agreed upon and you will be amazed by the progress you will make. Have a wonderful 2019!

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