I choose to write to you in this open forum rather than do a year-end appraisal, as we in the media are wont to do.
But first things first: I am a junior fellow where I work, unlike you who is a honcho, so, if you drop me a hint for a sizzling story, I will refer to you as a highly placed source.
But we are not here to compare notes about the sizes of our desks, which I hear are a good indicator of the pecking order in organisations. My desk is about 4 by 2 feet. I am sure you get the drift. By comparison, I have had a good look at your mahogany desk and I must say your employer thinks highly of you.
I am aware you are wondering why I am on and on about desk sizes. Wonder no more. I am asking for a job. Not exactly what you guys do in the police force, sorry, service. I am above that, of course. You see, it was a mistake to change the name of the police outfit from a force to service. I know you were meant to sound people-friendly but you can tell that to the birds.
I will not bore you with details of why our folks think yours is still a police force. That is a story for another day.
Attack on police
What worries me with each passing day is the manner your juniors have become whipping boys (the girls are spared this sorry state of affairs, for reasons I am yet to fathom!)
Did I say whipping boys? Yes. You must have seen video clips of the bloke who was captured lashing a police officer in public. I hope your boys neutralised the attacker, and I am careful to use the lingo you guys use in those intimidating walkie-talkies that cops brandish with panache and flourish. In other words, I hope that whoever dared to attack that cop is responding well to treatment whenever he is.
And just last week, a tuk tuk rider in Nakuru terrorised two of your boys enough to make them run for dear life. Now, that is embarrassing! How can Kiganjo-trained fellows be made to scamper like frightened deer? Aren’t these boys trained in physical combat out there in Kiganjo? This is where I come in. In spite of and despite whatever curriculum they use at Kiganjo, AP Training School and GSU Training School, which have all been integrated, you guys could use my services.
You see, I was a boxer in school. Not like one Conjestina or Wangila but you get the drift. What matters is the skill and talent. Plus the acumen. Let me illustrate. Most of your boys (and girls) cannot differentiate between a cross punch and an uppercut. I can be a shockingly wonderful asset in these things. I may not dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee, as one Mohammed Ali alias Cassius Clay did, but that is beside the point.
Somewhere in my library is a book on Judo. I can take your boys through crucial lessons that would come in handy when they come across excited drunks who want to practice their punching skills on police officers.
In short, forget that crap about a police service. Even kindergarten kids know being a cop is not about service. It is about being tough. We all need that back. When and where I was growing up, any attack on a cop invited mass arrests, in which the police spared no effort to remind the village blokes just who was in charge.
In those days, those shiny police boots, which take aeons to be polished to a sheen in which one could see themselves, were referred to as Kavunja. It was because they came in handy to break down doors to flush out (suspected) criminals.
That is what I mean when I talk about a police force. I know in those days you were not a cop yet, as I gather your background is in gathering intelligence. Career police officers did not take such nonsense as being clobbered senseless by unarmed civilians. That was the stuff of sissies and effeminate weaklings unfit for the absolute law-and-order cops who broached no nonsense whatsoever.
I know you will say that I am gainfully employed producing paper to wrap meat with, but that is beside the point. We can organise night classes, which will be apt, as we shall train your boys undercover. That will include cops who do spiv duties. For the uninitiated, that is topic for my anticipated new duties.
My CV, mostly verbal, is available, plus we can discuss that small matter of how much you will pay me. Recall I said you got a large desk? Yes, you can! Have a shenanigans-free week! – The writer is Special Projects editor, People Daily