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My wife of 11 years has left me and I’m devastated

Hi Achokis. I have been married for 11 years and have three children. My marriage has been rocky and early this year, my wife packed her bags and left with our children.

This was not the first time, but the previous two times she has done it, she has come back after a month. However, this time, she has stayed more than six months and it doesn’t seem like she’s in a hurry to come back.

I have talked to her parents and some of her friends to persuade her to come back in vain. I miss my children and feel so lonely. What should I do to get my family back?

OUR TAKE

A wife of eleven years cannot just wake up one morning and leave her matrimonial home. She must have endured a lot to make such a decision. As you say, your marriage has been rocky seeing this is not the first time your wife has left.

Our question then is, what did you do to get her back those previous times? It looks like the past issues were not conclusively resolved.

So often due to various reasons, such as not being able financially, societal pressure, or even the belief that things will become better, a woman returns home. But this time, it seems that she has made up her mind that enough is enough.

Change strategy It is said that only a mad person who does the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Thus, you need to change strategy and ensure that this time the issues that have rocked your marriage are addressed once and for all.

You must admit where you have gone wrong, take responsibility for your actions and ask for forgiveness if you want her back. Your goal should be genuine reconciliation not just her coming back.

If you are not ready to do so, then you might just as well remain separate and agree on how you are going to co-parent the children. Motive Your motivation for wanting her back, and her motivation for returning to you must be right.

Do you want her back because you are missing your children and are lonely, or do you want her back because you genuinely love her and have realised how valuable she is to you?

It is a good thing and the right thing to do coming back together, but the motive must be right. The right thing done with the wrong motive will not last.

So, check first your motives for wanting her back, then reach out to her. In reaching out to her, involve someone she respects and trusts. Let your wife chose the way she wants to go about this.

Give her time to make up her mind, don’t rush her or the process. If done well, and with the right attitude from both of you, there can be a better future together.

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