Hi Achokis, I have been married for seven years and have two lovely children. We have had a lot of issues in our marriage. Things were so bad that he agreed to move out of our matrimonial home. Recently, he has been pleading with me to let him return promising me that he will change. But I’m not convinced. There’s a lot of pressure from the Church and my family to have him back. I also feel that my children miss him a lot. But I’m also afraid that the issues that made us separate have not been addressed. What do I do?
Thank you for your question. We want to believe that you were forced to come to this point by circumstances in your marriage and not because you are an evil woman. We also want to commend hour husband for agreeing to be the one to leave. So often, it is women who are forced to leave with the children putting them in a difficult situation. So you need to honour him just for that.
However, the problem we have is that the society and even the Church puts pressure for couples to be together even if the marriage doesn’t seem to be working at all. So what happens, many women and even men give in to the pressure of going back together without resolving the issues that put them apart in the first place. If the issues that made you separate are not resolved adequately, you will not be helping yourself nor the marriage. There will be a false peace, a lull in the storm before those same things get resurrected again, this time worse than they were before.
It is, therefore, important that before letting him back, all issues be addressed, an amicable solution be found and true reconciliation be sort. There is a big difference between being intact again and being reconciled back together.
Resolve the issues
Your goal should be reconciliation not being intact as a family again. Let there be a process of working towards reconciling the two of you. There must be a commitment to change the behaviour that made you do what you did. This is to say that you too could be a problem. Let this period of restoration be a time for those things being brought up and addressed. Meanwhile, you need to still respect him and allow him to see his children.
It is only by openly talking about those issues in the presence of a counsellor that lasting solution can be found. The two of you must take ownership of your part in the mess and be willing to apologise and commit to change. That change must be demonstrated by your actions over a period of time before the two of you get back together again not just physically, but relationally as well.