Hi Achokis. I have been married for 10 years. We have two children. My husband is an elder in our church and is a respectable person. He has a likeable personality.
My problem is that I suspect my husband is going out with one of the choir members. He has been acting suspiciously and is always excited when we are with this choir member.
I don’t know how to confront this issue, as this woman is also a good friend. I’m afraid I can’t raise this question with the church leadership, as it will be his word against mine and when it comes to that, I can’t win. What should I do?
Thank you for your question. We tend to forget that elders and those who work in the church are also human beings who are fallible. The standard we hold for such people is usually high, which is good seeing that they are the moral barometer of the society and an example to many.
Your husband may not have actually slept with this woman, but whatever it is that is making you suspicious needs to be addressed.
This must be done carefully and in a way that does not complicate the matter. Your approach should be one of respect seeking to know the truth without passing judgement or making accusations.
You must demonstrate your love and care for him and your willingness to help him and save your marriage. Remember that it is about your observations and concerns not what he has done or not done. Assure him that this will be a matter between the two of you that need not reach the church leadership.
Be prepared for an initially hostile reaction, but with time things may get better as he comes to the realisation of what you have observed. Hopefully, this may make him come clean on the matter.
But on the other hand, he may remain in a state of denial further complicating your relationship. If that happens, then you may be forced to bring this matter up again with him in the presence of someone, preferably another man whom he highly respects and trusts.
If that fails, then let him know you will be left with no option, but to bring it up before the church leadership. It may be difficult as you say because it will be his word against yours, but remember, what you are raising here is a suspicion and a church elder’s conduct must be above suspicion.
When it comes to your friend, don’t accuse her unless you have the facts, but even if you do, the problem is really your husband.
Because of your relationship with her, it is important for you to let her know that you are not comfortable with her relationship with your husband. If she’s a true friend, then she will discourage any association with him.