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Things that need to be kept short during weddings

Let’s be honest, wedding occasions should be short and sweet. No need to have the witnesses there for ages. Yes, they did clear their day’s schedules to attend the ceremony, but that doesn’t mean that it should drag on for hours, especially if the activities are lulling.

The walk down the aisle

I am not against being the centre of attention on this particular day. If anything, by all means, as the bride or groom, take all the time you want, but the rest, including the children, should drop the boring marching show. Why spend 30 minutes as part of the wedding procession?

What’s with having the maids and groomsmen evenly spaced as they march in? Can we talk about the characters that choose to take dancing to the next worst level?

It’s not enough that they cannot dance, they also have outfits that do not necessarily agree with the dance moves. Spare us the sight and just get on with it.

Cut down the ridiculous reverse dancing that will only be edited out of the video. Save the video editor some time and get to the point. It’s not your big day.

Sermon

The sermon is never for the congregation. It’s always for the mister and missus to be, and they do not pay attention. Their minds are almost never there. It’s worse for them and their bridal party if they have to stand the whole time the homily is being said. Fifteen minutes is fine.

After all, they had to attend premarital counselling classes, usually with the same presiding minister. No offense, I am for preaching the good book, but on that day, if you must, make the sermon interesting, but still, keep it brief.

Photo shoot

What are you capturing two hours later? The guests are already done eating and want to dance, gift you and have cake. I mean, you can take proper pictures after the occasion.

If not, ensure you are well organised. No need to come back to a reception with just a handful of people who are already spent and are there by obligation and not free will. Also, pick a close location to beat traffic.

Serving of food

Caterers should hasten their hands or get more help. I do not get why a wedding should have just one serving point, yet the guests are in their hundreds. This part should be fast.

That way, guests can get out of the scorching sun and on to lounging and enjoying the entertainment before the newly-weds come back from the photo shoot.

Speeches and gift session

The family can and should be allowed to give their gifts as a group. And even then, they should pick the uncle or aunt with the least words to speak on their behalf.

No need to drop some advice nuggets and expound on each point. The rest of the guests should be encouraged to take their presents to the gift registry table and save time. The photo op with the couple can be taken after the Grace and vote of thanks.

Cake cutting

Dear madam cake matron, it’s just cake cutting. The brief histories and nature of relationships with either of the newly-weds should be kept under wraps. Just no.

Beckon the couple to the gazebo, get to slicing the cake and popping champagne and let us enjoy the fruity or chocolate pastry. It’s part of the reason we showed up really. Dwelling on the matter should not take an hour.

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