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Relationships founded on lies

Sometimes, lies are sweeter than hearing the bitter truth. But there are costs of deception that partners rarely consider…

Sandra Wekesa @andayisandra

Everyone has lied at one time or another. Show me someone who says they haven’t and I’ll show you a liar in them. They could be white lies, calculated lies, half-truths, well, anything that is far from the truth.

If recent murders of Sharon Otieno and Monica Kimani are anything to go by, you may live with someone thinking you know them inside out, only to realise that your partner had more layers than an onion you didn’t figure out. Everyday, Kenyans are treated to fresh exposes of the deceased and the suspects in the cases.

For instance, the relationship between Migori Governor Okoth Obado and Sharon was brought to light. As for Monica’s murder, Kenyans have been shocked to know that the main suspect, Joseph Irungu popularly known as Jowie, is fiancé to journalist Jackie Maribe who is also in custody. How did she get into this mess? You ask.

Favourable image

Well, this begs the question; do you really know your partner well? Everyone in a new relationship presents a favourable image, overplaying their accomplishments and attributes in a bid to attract the love of your life.

Most of the time, people end up lying about their finances, occupation, education background, career, social status and even their roots. Woe unto you if you fall into the trap of the lies for they will always drag you along into the pit.

When Sabina Busienei met her ex boyfriend, she felt like everything was working out well for her at first. To her, he was a well-to-do man who had a good job.

But Sabina was to get information from his neighbours during her usual visit that he was not who she thought he was. “I remember when we first met I didn’t have an issue with how rich or poor he was.

I loved him unconditionally and everything worked out well for us. However, with time, everything began to take a different turn. I learnt he had lied about his career and was struggling financially. I understood he had to protect his ego, but my major problem was why he had to wait for a long time to come out clean about his past, and this was only after I confronted him,” says Sabina.

Though they got back together, they broke up after a while following various confrontations. The relationship could not survive his deceit.

Marriage and relationship expert, John Wagatua, strongly believes that lies always have a way of coming out even if you try as much as you can to conceal them. He adds that every relationship needs to be built on trust, so no matter how small you might think the lie is, saying the truth will set you free.

“Your spouse can lie in terms of a compliment, a statement, a status of their life, but eventually they feel ashamed the moment you suspect they might have lied. The most horrific thing about lies is you are dragged down together with your partner and probably end up getting in trouble with the authorities or people close to you,” says Wagatua.

He advises people to take their time to gather enough information about their new catch. Find out where they live or work, who their friends are and which kind of family they come from.

Ask the right questions, ask them in two or three different ways to see if the answers are consistent. Introduce them to friends and family and hear what they think or feel about them.

What lies do to a relationship is cripple any chance that union has of being authentic, loving and healthy. According to him, lies block intimacy. “Most of the time, you will begin to wonder who exactly your partner is because all along the truth has never projected itself,” he says.

Take responsibility

The relationship expert says no lies are acceptable and the moment you lie about something, the best thing to do is to take responsibility no matter how big or small the issue is.

However, his advice is, if you feel like the past might affect your relationship with someone, tell it all, don’t be the one to gauge how heavy the situation might be. His parting shot is, you don’t always have to be forgiven the moment the truth comes out. “If you feel the relationship is built on lies, it’s best to run,” he concludes.

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