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Falsely accused by your spouse?

You love and treasure your partner. You have each other’s back, heck you can even catch a grenade for him/her. Until they come up with allegations that only they believe to be true

Ann Wairimu @ann_wairimo

“How could she/he think that of me?” This is a question everyone who has ever been the target of a false allegation has asked themselves, especially in a relationship setting. In most cases, depending on the severity of the accusation, you are initially paralysed by shock, then comes the anger and after further mulling; dejection. Or maybe it is laughter, for some claims that are plain ridiculous.

It happened to Nancy Nyambura, who was accused by her boyfriend of selling his clothes. Nancy works at a clinic in Nairobi, but also does other things to make ends meet. “I usually import clothes for children and I sell them online mostly through social media as a side job. I could not believe how my boyfriend, who had known me for over a year, would belittle and accuse me of something like that,” she recalls.

A few weeks later it turned out that it was actually his house help who stole them and other household items. “I’m the one who busted her. I stopped her at the gate after she was done one day, demanded that she reveal the contents of her bag! She had two neatly folded shirts packed,” she says.

That evening, armed with evidence and the disposition of one unjustly accused, she proved her boyfriend wrong. “The look on his face was priceless and he started apologising profusely. Apparently, the same house help was the one who suggested that I was the one selling his clothes,” she says. At the end of it all, she decided to call it quits with the relationship.

One social media user recently posted this question on a popular Kilimani Mums and Dad Facebook page—what’s one thing your partner has falsely accused you of? The comments were hilarious. “My wife accused me of being ‘more than friends’ with her sister. Here I was trying to be a good husband by bailing out her sister who was in dire financial need, and she had the audacity to claim that I was sleeping with her!” one said.

“He accused me of being engaged to my cousin. Aliambia
mpaka
pastor
,” another said. “I was once with a guy who accused me of infecting him with HIV. Yet I tested negative,” another said. “She said I was hiding money from her just to be stingy. That time my business was not doing well,” another responded. 

It is clear from Nancy’s case that no matter how incredulous an allegation may be, it could mean the end of your relationship. In other cases it could put a big strain on an otherwise perfect union. So, what is it that makes such things come up? According to Beatrice Maina, a sociologist and relationship expert, it all comes down to how well the relationship is integrated.

“When a relationship is strong, the people not only know each other, but are also trusting,” she says. And when one spouse has ever done something to betray the trust of the other, Maina says, it leaves space in the mind for all sorts of doubts, leading to false accusations, which in turn slowly destroy relationships.

On the other hand, society can lead to such insinuations. A person can be completely trusting of the other until they are told by someone else things such as ‘all men cheat’. Friends may also make you doubt your spouse. You hear women telling each other things such as ‘I saw so and so at this and that place.’ Even when the said person was there for totally different reasons as those imagined by the women. This makes the spouse to raise eyebrows.

When wrongly accused, take your time to understand exactly what the person is telling you. “Get all the details of the accusation in place. You will most likely see things that do not make sense in the stories,” she says.

Do not immediately dismiss the claims. Wait until all of you have cooled down to point out the discrepancies you have noted. “An angry person will never see any sense and if you tell them that they are wrong when they are in the middle of conveying their information, they will only get more irate,” Maina adds.

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