Vero Wanjiru is married, a mother of two and loves having fun. Every two months she goes out with her girlfriends and at times alone.
“I like the smell, the dancing, the music and the excitement of it all. I love to get all done up and look good, and I love the men’s gracious looks of ‘appreciation’,” she explains.
But early this week when Vero told her husband about her intention to go out this weekend, which is also her best friend’s birthday, his response was unexpected. He told her he needed to seriously talk to her. “He said when I leave him with the children at home, he feels like a fool. He wonders who is all up on me at the club. He also said that it is disrespectful and a disgrace for a married woman to keep clubbing like a young girl,” she retorts, adding, “But, why does it have to apply to only me, while it is okay for him to go out without me,” she wonders.
Vero says as much as she does not mind not going out at all, she feels trapped. She does not want to give up the fun and excitement that a dance club offers. “I would like to submit to my husband, but I must admit, I feel like I am a star when I am there. I love music and love dancing. I never did that when I should have, because I was married and pregnant at 19, now I am 34 and I want to party,” confesses Vero.
Lilian Nelima and Faith Nabwire, both single, say they wouldn’t mind going out without their boyfriends or when they get married, without their husbands. “Come on, can’t a woman have some air?” asks Faith. “When a woman goes out, regardless of whether they are married or not, is to let loose, to dance their problems away and feel the tension eased out of their muscles in a way that an over-priced deep tissue massage rarely does. The men in the club are rarely part of the dream,” she retorts.
Lilian agrees. “Don’t be a praying mantis. Let a woman get loose. If she gives you a wink, then sure, sidle on over! But if she doesn’t? Whether she’s single or married, give her some goddamn space. It’s none of your business why she’s dancing in the club,” she says.
Paul Kilombe, a married man, says unless he goes out with his woman, there is no way he will allow her to go out without him.
“First all, it is disrespectful and second, unlike men who can have casual sex and detach their feeling from another woman, women are emotional in nature. If she happens to find a man who treats her a little better at the club, she will fall for it and chances are, you will lose her,” he poses.
Relationships expert Edward Marango says whether it’s okay for a man to let his girlfriend to go out and have fun depends on a number of issues. It depends on what type of woman she is, how good your relationship is and who she will be going to the club with. “Times when it’s okay for her to go clubbing without you are if she truly loves you and is sincerely and fully committed to your relationship or she is going to a club with her girlfriends who are in committed relationships or married,” explains Marango.
Otherwise, she says men should be worried if their wives are excited about going out without them.
Another exception is if she has to go for a work function or event and she isn’t allowed to invite people from outside the company.
On the other hand, times when it’s not okay for your wife to go out withou her husband is if she doesn’t feel much respect, attraction or love for her spouse and isn’t fully committed to the relationship.
“It is lack of respect if she goes out to the club with a guy or a number of guys, some of who will feel attracted to her and hit on her. Or when she does not come home that night,” he concludes.