I have been married for eight years now. My husband and I never got intimate before marriage, and so my husband was the only man I ever knew. When I had sex with him, I never enjoyed it, and never understood why people say sex is so sweet.
That is until last year when I started having an affair with a colleague who took me to cloud nine. He is also married, but says he doesn’t enjoy being intimate with his wife. I know what we are doing is wrong, but I can’t help it. I really love my husband, but it’s just that I have never enjoyed sex with him. What should I do?
Thanks for being candid. You love your husband, but unfortunately he is not giving you that one thing you longed for and looked forward to in marriage. You had waited for this thing with anticipation and great expectation, but that expectation has been dashed in your marriage and now you have met this guy who is giving you all that you ever dreamed of. There are a number of things to consider.
Look at the whole relationship first as there could be other things in marriage that are contributing to you not enjoying sex, family and work pressure, health issues, poor communication, unresolved conflicts among others. Maybe your husband doesn’t know how to romance you to the point that you are ready for him in bed.
Or is it a matter of technique, you might have assumed that he knows, when in the real sense, he doesn’t? Could it also be that you are enjoying sex with this guy because it’s different, no marital pressures, you have never experienced that before or could it just be a case of ‘stolen waters being sweet’?
What then should you do? You have only two options in this situation; do you want to continue living in fear and guilt even though you are having great sex with this other person (status quo) or do you want to work at your marriage seeing that you love your husband?
Changing the situation, we must admit won’t be easy, but if handled well and with hard work and patience may give you the results you want. It must start with you stopping that affair so you can focus on your own ‘garden’. It will require you having those difficult conversations with your husband.
We know that this topic is a taboo to many of us and yet it is important that we talk about it. It may even mean coming clean with what has happened hoping that your husband will understand why and be willing to forgive you and to learn from it.
That way, you can have both your marriage and a scintillating sex life. If he on the other hand doesn’t forgive you and reacts, then at least you will be able to live at peace with yourself having tried to do what is right.