Hi Achokis, we have been married for the last three years with one adorable daughter. I know deep down I love my wife and don’t want to leave her, but I don’t have those gushy feelings for her like I have with one of my female colleagues. The feelings keep growing and I don’t know what to do with them. I still love my wife, but wonder if I am not in love with her? Why am I having these feelings for someone else? Please advise.
There is nothing wrong with what you are going through. It is something many couples experience. It is possible for a married man to be “in love” with another person and those feelings may make them feel that they made the wrong decision. This does not, however, mean that you allow yourself to be carried away by your feelings.
Feelings flutter and fade, but marriage is built upon more than mere feelings. It is built upon a commitment between two people. People are always attracted to something or someone new because it is unknown and unexplored. It is only after the new becomes old that they begin to realise that not all that glitters is gold. And so many times it has nothing to do with one’s spouse, but the deception of that new exciting feeling. In the moment of temptation, we can easily forget that our wife was also once upon a time a new and exciting thing, but now we take them for granted.
Date your wife
But you can also become creative and make things new again with your wife. In dating, our focus is usually on the other person—what you can do for them; how you can spoil them, make them feel good. You buy her flowers, take her out on a date, or go for a weekend get-away. When we are married, we only think of ourselves, what we can receive from our spouse. So, why not change your attitude and start dating her and see if that won’t stir some feelings in you for her again? As experts say, “act into feelings rather than feel into action.”
Commit to your wife
Remember love is not just about feelings—it is a commitment to stay together no matter what. Those feelings may not go soon, but you got to remind yourself of the choice you made three years ago. Don’t fan that spark or else it will ignite into a full-blown flame that will burn you. Slam on the breaks before you crush. Don’t try comparing your wife with this new flame because it won’t be a fair comparison seeing that you have lived with your wife for three years. We leave you with this advice from the Bible, “Enjoy with the wife of your youth. A loving doe, … let her breasts always satisfy you, be captivated by her love forever. Why, my son, would you be infatuated with another woman?”