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How do we rekindle our love life?

Hi Achokis.

We have been married for five years. We used to be so in love. Life was full of passion and romance. Now my husband acts like he doesn’t care. It seems like ages since we made love.

Our marriage is no longer fun and enjoyable, it has become boring. I’m afraid that our marriage is in trouble. If we don’t do something, we can get caught up with someone else. How can we breathe some new life into our marriage? Please advise!

Our take

Passion and romance are strange phenomena. They are strong compulsions and hard to control in the early part of the relationship, but wane away with time. The truth is that all marriages go through an initial phase where we are passionate about each other before reality settles in and the marriage goes through a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs.

Boredom kicks in and one starts wondering if they made the right decision and can even be tempted to look outside your marriage for the thrill we all long for.

Routine

So, what is happening to you is not unique to your marriage. What needs to happen now is that you become more intentional and deliberate in trying to spice up your marriage. As a woman, what can you do to spice up the marriage?

Women can easily become negative about their marriage, always complaining about what the man is doing or not doing. When complaining you can sometimes become disrespectful to your man and this further pushes him away.

You give sex just for the sake of it. This becomes routine and no longer enjoyable. With the babies coming, this further complicates things as women can get so caught up caring for the baby that they forget their man in the process.

Way forward

To spice up your marriage, avoid “joy busters”. Not every battle is worth fighting. Focus on the good points in the marriage and not just on what is not working. That way you give your energy where it is needed most.

Try initiating sex once in a while and preparing him his favourite meal. Learn to enjoy what he enjoys and let him also know those things you wish he would do to make the relationship enjoyable. Find things that you both enjoy doing and schedule time to do them.

Start by setting apart date nights where you go out just the two of you. Don’t give up if you miss a date or two, or if the date turns out to be a conflict-resolving session.

Get into the habit of debriefing with your spouse daily and don’t stop playing or calling each other those sweet names. Any time one uses an endearing name on the other spouse it reminds them who they are to them.

Don’t let the greeting “kiss” be reduced to a handshake or a head nod. By just doing these simple things you will be amazed at how your marriage can come alive again.

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