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Are you setting your man up for someone else?

Grace Wachira @yaa_grace

The dating scene is nothing like what it was a few years back. It has evolved and some girls today are going out of their way, breaking their backs to please men just to get that ring.

The lines have been blurred and now, girls are performing the duties that a wife should. Susan Wandia, a Nairobi resident, knows this too well. Her neighbour, Joseph* has two girlfriends.

There is one who comes over the weekend. You will see her dressed in an old T-shirt and ties a leso around her waist as she does all the household chores. “She does a thorough general cleaning, wash all his clothes, curtains and everything washable. She irons his clothes, wash all the utensils and scrub the floor.

By the time she leaves on Sunday evening, the house is sparkling clean. She isn’t social and doesn’t talk to anyone,” reveals Wandia. Then there is another one who normally comes between Wednesday and Friday.

“This one is sophisticated and outgoing. She can’t pass a neighbour without saying hi. And she knows how to dress, sexy, but not trashy. Her nails always have a fresh manicure. Once in a while, she calls me for a chat as we watch movies together. I haven’t seen her cook anything more than an omelette.

They usually eat out. When she leaves the house, she leaves it in a bad state than she found it. She knows there is a mama fua who comes to do laundry over the weekend,” Wandia adds.

Wandia who is friends with Joseph asked him how he does it. “He said he told the weekend girl that he has a busy schedule during weekdays and, therefore, she can’t come in the house.

As for the second one, she knows that mama fua (read the other girlfriend) comes over the weekend and therefore, she can’t have good time with her boyfriend with mama fua around.

It is really none of my business, but he said when he decides to settle down, he’d go with the girl who doesn’t break her back cleaning his bachelor pad,” she reveals. So, does it work?

Going out of your way to please a man and impose ‘wife material’ thoughts on him? Barnabas Achoki, a relationship coach, likens this to reporting and starting work in a place simply because you attended an interview.

“This is where many women go wrong. The man is conducting interviews to find out who he wants to settle with, so if you start acting the part and expect to pass, you are mistaken,” he says.

With time, he will find The One and drop you. You will have already wasted your time and will nurse a heartbreak. “When you impress too much, it says you are somewhat desperate. He will start to take you for granted,” Achoki warns. Women must realise that many men desire two kinds of women at a given time.

“There is the woman who will give him a home, but he also wants one who challenges him intellectually and one he can go out with. One that is stylish, sophisticated and has a corporate image.

As for the one who is already performing wifely duties well, he has her where she wants her to be and there’s nothing worth pursuing anyway,” he says. “It often doesn’t work trying to polish a man.

The only exception to this is a man who has a vision and good character. This kind of man can be polished and helped if you as a woman is sure he truly loves you.

You must determine these three things first; if he has a vision, his character and his love for you. Now it takes time and a lot of observation from the woman before you start investing in and trying to polish him.

Otherwise, just seeing a guy out there and quickly making the decision to start investing in him and polishing him up can be counterproductive,” he advises. In the long run, you might just polish him and set him up for someone else who will come and reap where she has not sown.

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