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Things to expect in an African home

Your parents will call you from upstairs, downstairs, outside, etc, to hand them something that is literally 10 centimetres away from them — story of my life. Kyoumukama Faith pens down the many ways African parents crack us up

1. Your parents are never wrong

It doesn’t matter if you learned that the sky is blue, if they say it’s orange, the sky is in fact, orange. At least, in their presence.

2. If it’s not broken…

Quite time and naughty corner are vocabularies a lot of African parents have never come across. It may be the 21st Century, but they still abide to the old ways ­—“Spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of old-fashioned way.

3. Traditions stick Elope?

Oh my sweet summer child! You may have been raised in the poshest estate in town, but everyone has a village. Oh, and they’ll be expecting a traditional engagement/marriage regardless who you’re marrying and where they hail from.

Traditions stick Elope? Oh my sweet summer child! You may have been raised in the poshest estate in town, but everyone has a village. Oh, and they’ll be expecting a traditional engagement/marriage regardless who you’re marrying and where they hail from.

4. Tantrums are a first world problem

As long as you are living with your folks, you abide by their rules. It doesn’t matter how unfair the situation is. You don’t talk back to them, curse or slam door in anger. Leave the drama for reality TV.

5. Sleepovers?

Don’t you have a home? Have we kicked you out? Is your bed plagued by bedbugs? Why do you need to sleep over at a friends? What will you be doing that you can’t do in broad daylight? Sleepovers at friends houses are fairy tales. Heck, you have a higher chance of ranning into Prince Charming on his tin horse than talking your parents into a sleepover.

6. Grades are life

Grades are everything and the sooner you learn that, the smoother your life will be. Doing well in school is not an option. It is a must. You’ll get an A- and they’ll raise hell asking why you couldn’t get an A. Heck, they’ll even get you a tutor. Your grades are their pride and they’ll share them with the whole village.

7. That TV does not belong to you as a child Keeping

Up With the who? Your folks don’t care who the Kardashians are and are in no way interested if you get behind with the times. If Mother-In-Law is on, that’s what you’ll be watching.

8. Religious attendance and practice is not an option

There is no debate when it comes to matters of religion. Attendance and practice is mandatory. If you’re a Christian, it doesn’t matter if the roads are impassable or whether it’s a hailstorm, you will get to church on Sunday one way or the other. You’ll also be expected to say The Grace every once in a while, read the Bible and memorise a chapter or two.

9. All are welcome to your home

It doesn’t matter if a relative is twice, thrice or fifth-removed, they’re welcome to stay at your home for as long as they like.

10. The many tells…

She may have on a big grin, or act casual, but if your entire full name is called, or mother tongue is spoken, the day shall not pass without tears. Mark my words!

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