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Three is a party

I have been in a relationship with a married man who is 14 years older than me since 2012. He paid my campus fees until I graduated. But when I was in campus, I discovered he was seeing another girl. I asked him but he denied.

But after I confronting him with enough evidence about their relationship, he confessed that it was true. Since then, I hated him so much but could not leave him because I needed his financial support.

I have since learned that he has yet another woman for whom he has bought a house and started a business for. I requested him to help me start a business too, but he refused saying he had educated me. How can a relationship of one man and three women work? I have lost interest in him but I’m not able to forget him. Please help!

Her take

Hi. Thank you for your honesty and boldness. You ask if a relationship of one man and three women can work. The answer is No! To add to this, remember he is married. This man seems to be having a ball in his life while the women around him scramble for him.

It may come as a surprise that he has many girlfriends but it looks like it is an issue to do with his character. Not to forget that by the time you met him, he was already married. Think of what his wife has had to deal with.

You mentioned that when you discovered that this man had another girlfriend, you hated him but could not leave because you needed financial support from him. If I may ask, what is your real motive in this relationship? He is much older than you, what do you have in common?

Obviously, it is not possible to have this man to yourself. Neither is it possible to stop him from having other relationships. I suggest that you let him go and begin a new chapter in your life. A man like this doesn’t realise how much pain he has caused his wife and children that he first gave his loyalty to.

Think of what the children will become and the wounds that they might have when they grow up. I don’t know if you still want to be part of this. My suggestion would be that you move on with your life. Find a job if you don’t have one or talk to some friends and relatives who can support you in a business venture.

Your continuing to cling and depend on your male friend only makes you more incapacitated. He is not your husband to continue to provide for you. Learn to stand on your own. Just like a small baby who fears to take the first step, you might be scared of the future. But however painful, if you are committed to the process, you will walk and eventually run.

His take

Thank you for coming out and seeking help. Relationships can sometimes be tricky and one can find themselves entangled in a web that becomes difficult for one to untangle. Your relationship with this man might have begun with a genuine love for him but that is no longer the case now.

You might want to look deep inside yourself and find out if you really loved him for who he was or simply for what you could get from him. You see, there are men who think that they can buy a girl’s love with their money. So they go out of their way to do something for them and make them feel special by ‘buying’ their love.

But what he is simply doing is using them because of the financial muscle he has. They think that because of what they do for you in terms outings and gifts, you cannot leave them. You may find it hard to leave or forget him because of what he has done for you. Paying and seeing someone through campus is not something small.

So you obviously feel indebted to him and that makes it hard for you to leave even though you have lost interest in him. If you surely have lost interest in him and are not ready to be in this arrangement with the other two women, then you need to make up your mind what you want.

Sit down with this man and let him know what you have decided. If he tries to blackmail you with the fee issue, ask him to give you time to work out a repayment plan.

That way, you will be free to move on with your life. You are still young and don’t want to be involved in this kind of relationship. The sooner you get out the better for you. Don’t worry, time has a way of healing us and with time you will forget about him. – Barnabas & Grace Achoki are marriage and relationship coaches – [email protected]

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