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How do I reach him behind the wall?

Hi Achokis, kindly help me understand my boyfriend. Even after three years of dating, I don’t understand him. He is acting weird. He has been keeping to himself.

Sometimes, when I call him he doesn’t pick up and when he calls and I don’t answer, he gets mad. He complains of the distance between us; we live and work in different towns. Please advise me for I’m not sure whether we are on or off this relationship.

Her take

Thanks for your question. You mentioned that when you call your man, he doesn’t pick up the phone and he keeps to himself. If you didn’t start off like this in your relationship, then something is definitely wrong.

It could be there’s been no commitment, so things have never been serious between you two. How have you been living your life? Do you live together when you are in town? A man likes to have adventure. When you give him everything before marriage, then there’s little to look forward to when you settle down. Firstly, he talked about the distance.

Could it be that he feels that being in different towns is causing a rift? His not picking up the phone or getting mad when you don’t pick up his call could be a reaction to his frustrations caused by distance. You might want to talk about this more and consider being in the same town, especially if you are intending to settle down together.

Long distant relationships can be challenging sometimes. Secondly, if the above is not the case, then maybe, he is stressed at work. Again, take time to find out about his work schedule and what is happening.

Take time to know more about his life, his friends and family. Develop your friendship and a relationship where you can trust each other and open up to each other even at your lowest point. Thirdly, maybe he is in another relationship and doesn’t know how to bring it up.

In that case, you might have to confront him on his behaviour and let him know that if it continues, then you will have to leave. His response or reaction on this matter will tell you a lot and help you know how to make an informed decision. I wish you all the best!

His take

It can sometimes be difficult to understand men but after dating him for three years, there should be some level of understanding. What is not clear is why he is keeping to himself and not communicating.

A relationship is only as strong as its level of communication. In fact, a relationship is sustained by communication. Absence, they say makes the heart grow fonder and so, I want to believe that the distance between the two of you should have made your communication increase and not decrease.

When you are not with someone you love, the tendency is to want to communicate more with them than you would usually do if you were together. There is therefore definitely a problem here. Why is the man keeping to himself? Does he have another woman in that town?

If he complains about the distance what is he doing to solve this? Have you suggested moving close to him, maybe getting another job, a transfer or something? But this you should do only if your relational issues are addressed.

You need to sit down with your man and have some candid conversations about where you want this relationship to go. There must be a mutual understanding of what kind of relationship you have or intend to have. Only then can you be sure whether you are on or off this relationship.

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